Quotes Filed Under "One-liners"


he's switching teams before the trade deadline

-37 [+ / -]     Nov 24, 2008

    Straight Guy: (to girl) Can I hold the Living section? You can keep the sports.

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mother knows best

57 [+ / -]     Nov 24, 2008

    Guy on cell: Yeah, man, I have a date lined up for every day next week. Oh, yeah, well, I already know she's gonna dump me Friday, and I can't do anything about it. Yeah, her friend told me. Well, I was tellin' my mom about it, and she said, "You're in Athens, though! There are way more girls than guys there, and they're all easy! You should just go out and get laid as much as possible, by lots of girls!" So I'm gonna do that.

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what happens when the change is $4.20?

-3 [+ / -]     Nov 19, 2008

    Redneck Clerk: $17.92 is your total. In 1792, Columbus sailed the ocean blue!

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the way to a woman's heart is through the parole office

8 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2008

    Girl: (to friend) Oh! You know who's really cute, and just got out of jail?

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because i was wondering if you could give me his number

76 [+ / -]     Nov 18, 2008

    Sorostitute: (to roommate) So, you still dating that guy I hooked up with?

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google officially replaces dog as man's best friend

6 [+ / -]     Nov 17, 2008

    Girl: (walking with two guys) I did look up "blow-job how to."

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get 'em young

1 [+ / -]     Nov 16, 2008

    (A little girl in a stroller and her mother are passing by a news stand)



    Little Girl: Look mommy, Obama!



    (The mother quickly rushes past the news stand)

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that'll look good on a tombstone, too

5 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2008

    Random girl: When I die, I just wanna be like "bye, y'all" and flat line.

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the ties that bind

-48 [+ / -]     Nov 13, 2008

    Guy on cell: Hey grandma! I'm about to go to work but I'm filling out info for student loans for when I go to Spain. I need two references and I used mom as the first, and you're next in line, so.... okay, great! How do you spell your first name? S-U-S-A-N. And what's your middle name?

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only 15 in a school zone

-28 [+ / -]     Nov 08, 2008

    Girl: Hold on! Let me go get my goggles. I heard that cum comes out at 20 miles per hour.

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this is not a test... i repeat, this is not a test

66 [+ / -]     Nov 07, 2008

    WatchDawgs guy fielding a call: I'm not a recording... really... you can talk directly to me.

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aren't they doing background checks yet?

130 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2008

    Professor (to a student who is texting): Show me what's between your legs!

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