Quotes Filed Under "Drugs"


the stoned customer is always right

24 [+ / -]     Jun 04, 2010

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if you're on the meal plan you get all the coke you can handle

19 [+ / -]     Apr 21, 2010

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good to the last line

-8 [+ / -]     Dec 06, 2009

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might want to mix in some ritalin, too

14 [+ / -]     Oct 12, 2009

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losing my religion

-20 [+ / -]     Sep 17, 2009

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don't get her started on splenda

19 [+ / -]     Aug 12, 2009

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among other things

17 [+ / -]     Jun 21, 2009

    (Two researchers are outside their building taking a smoke break)



    Researcher 1: You know, I hear Splenda's bad for you.

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we were unaware that it wasn't already trendy

-32 [+ / -]     May 31, 2009

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for when those pimples drive you crazy

-55 [+ / -]     May 26, 2009

    Nurse: Are you still on the Differin?



    Patient: No.



    Nurse: Any new medicine?



    Patient: Risperdal.



    Nurse: Is that for acne?



    Patient: No, it is an anti-psychotic.

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he's rocking his own stimulus package

139 [+ / -]     Mar 27, 2009

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we wonder which one he is going to inhale

55 [+ / -]     Mar 23, 2009

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patriotism is a bit different down there

-71 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

    Stoned Kid: Ya know what's a nice place? New Zealand, and they're weathering this storm pretty well. I mean, all they do is fuck sheep. If it came down to choosing between nuclear holocaust and fucking sheep, I'm totally fucking the sheep.

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unless of course they're heroin muffins

138 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2009

    Professor: Really the only thing that grows in Afghanistan is poppies. And there are only three things you can do with poppies - make poppy seed bagels, poppy seed muffins, and make heroin. And you aren't going to make a lot of money from the muffins.

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he meant top-money, not your favorite

-42 [+ / -]     Mar 15, 2009

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so that's the secret ingredient

93 [+ / -]     Mar 02, 2009

    Stoner Guy 1: Dude, popcorn would be awesome right now.



    Stoner Guy 2: No dude, pizza would be good right now.



    Stoner Girl: Neither. Penis would be good right now.



    Stoner Guys: (looking at each other) What?!



    Stoner Girl: (pretending nothing happened) Yeah, let's order Gumby's.

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they have drugs for that, too

71 [+ / -]     Feb 22, 2009

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performing in a circus tent or holding it up, but we're not sure which

-47 [+ / -]     Feb 09, 2009

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he's a bit unclear on the other half of the word

70 [+ / -]     Jan 08, 2009

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now, back to our discussion about the size of uranus...

555 [+ / -]     Dec 24, 2008

    Student: So where does Europium come from?



    Chemistry Teacher: (slowly) I don't have any opium...

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yeah, with that girl over there

35 [+ / -]     Dec 15, 2008

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black people burn like hell

-17 [+ / -]     Dec 14, 2008

    Guy 1: Dude, it still burns!



    Guy 2: That is the last time I put anything up my nose that isn't white.

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i'm never eating at mcdonald's again

-29 [+ / -]     Dec 12, 2008

    Guy: Yeah, basically you just do an Internet thing to learn how to cook everything. Its an easy job. You can come in high all the time.

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during the commercials, of course

117 [+ / -]     Dec 11, 2008

    Girl 1: So how did that study session with that guy go last night?



    Girl 2: I went to his place, he took a couple of hits off a huge bong, we fucked, and then watched the Boondock Saints.



    Girl 1: Nice!



    Girl 3: So when did you study?

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that's the last time i sign up for a class with dr. dre

15 [+ / -]     Dec 08, 2008

    (Professor is taking about a quiz application on Facebook)



    Professor: Some of you will find that you might be higher than how high you think you are.



    (laughter)



    Professor: I meant the results on the quiz!

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sounds like a brain buster

11 [+ / -]     Oct 22, 2008

    Girl 1: I had no idea that cayenne pepper and ginseng had the same effects as Adderall... I need to go to the store.



    Girl 2: Ew! Do you have to snort it? Wouldn't cayenne pepper hurt?

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it certainly gets around

-20 [+ / -]     Oct 20, 2008

    Kid on cell: So is this weed skank, or what?

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little johnny still loves the rock

156 [+ / -]     Oct 19, 2008

    (Mother and Son walk out of Best Buy where there is a booth set up for the D.A.R.E. program)



    Lady at table: Have you heard about the D.A.R.E. program?



    Mom: Yeah, and it didn't work.

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would you like to make it a fatty?

41 [+ / -]     Oct 09, 2008

    (Guy is talking on his cell phone standing in line ordering a wrap)



    Guy on cell: Yeah, lemme get some cheese. Yeah dude, alright. So he only sells dimes and quarters, but it's real cheap. And some jalapeńos. Okay, that's straight. We'll chill later. Just go buy some.

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to help with concentration during sex

-82 [+ / -]     Oct 02, 2008

    Girl 1: So I really need to go to the drug store.



    Girl 2: Why?



    Girl 1: I have to pick up my Adderall and birth control.

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if it ain't broke...

-3 [+ / -]     Sep 22, 2008

    Hipster: I like Nyquil. But Nyquil with liquor in it? Kinda gross.

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it's true what they say about too much of a good thing

26 [+ / -]     Sep 17, 2008

    (As he walks onto the elevator with a large cup of coffee)



    Scenester: Adderall is killing my brain, dude... I can't even study.

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he's working on his dissertation as we speak

41 [+ / -]     Sep 10, 2008

    Homeless Guy: Excuse me, can you spare some change for some psychedelic research?

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which is nothing to joke about

29 [+ / -]     Jul 22, 2008

    Guy: (dressed like The Joker) My Joker makeup is awesome! Except I had to take off my smile for now because I can't hit the bong with it on.

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horrible mental image for the day? check.

99 [+ / -]     Jul 21, 2008

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have you tried saving the environment... on weed?

42 [+ / -]     Jul 21, 2008

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we've all been there

-13 [+ / -]     Jun 12, 2008

    (Two women standing outside a super market)



    Woman: Open those cookies that we bought... so I can snort one.

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did you maybe lick one before class?

19 [+ / -]     May 22, 2008

    (Professor pulls up picture of frog on the overhead)



    Professor: Man! Look at that frog! I'd totally lick that.

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no wonder he's always so happy in class

193 [+ / -]     May 19, 2008

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i think my opinion on healthcare reform just changed

12 [+ / -]     May 19, 2008

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not the sort of thing most people would admit to

3 [+ / -]     May 17, 2008

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can you hear william wallace turning in his grave?

40 [+ / -]     May 10, 2008

    Sociology Instructor: (talking about ideas) Where is the only place that you truly have freedom?



    Dude: Amsterdam?

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you should be happy... why aren't you smiling?

58 [+ / -]     May 10, 2008

    Girl 1: Ohmigod! Did I tell you what my parents are getting me for graduation? My first Botox injections!



    Girl 2: Ohmigod! You are so lucky!

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the other two things aren't nearly as fun

105 [+ / -]     Apr 23, 2008

    Professor: There were only two things that were burned during the 1960s. Does anyone know what those two things were?



    Student: Pot?



    Professor: Ok, three things then.

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that would explain the lack of appetite

243 [+ / -]     Mar 31, 2008

    Girl on Cell: So all I had for lunch was some Coke and a couple of Milky Way eggs that you gave me in the Easter basket.



    (pause)



    Girl on Cell: No mom, not cocaine. Coca Cola. I can't afford weed, much less cocaine.

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and they say marijuana decreases motivation

-62 [+ / -]     Mar 28, 2008

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better living through your sibling's chemistry

53 [+ / -]     Mar 10, 2008

    Friend 1: Hey!



    Friend 2: Hey! Did you go jogging to wake up this morning?



    Friend 1: No, I just took my little brothers last Adderall.

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rule #2: don't roll in the ga theatre bathroom

-26 [+ / -]     Mar 06, 2008

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i always seem to miss that aisle at the local hobby lobby

24 [+ / -]     Mar 05, 2008

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warning: marijuana affects grammar skills

53 [+ / -]     Mar 04, 2008

    Dude 1: I gotta quit getting high all the time.



    Dude 2: Why?



    Dude 1: Drugs are like bad and stuff and drain bramage.

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meanwhile, the dog has been cramming for exams all night

11 [+ / -]     Feb 25, 2008

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remember kids, alcohol reduces your inhibitions

73 [+ / -]     Feb 25, 2008

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her official charge was "too stupid to survive in the wild"

237 [+ / -]     Feb 20, 2008

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wrong guy, wrong store

-76 [+ / -]     Feb 11, 2008

    Guy 1: So, how much is an ounce of the Irish Creme?



    Cashier: A dollar and sixty-five cents.



    Guy 2: Wow, that must be nice.

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congratulations, you're hired

948 [+ / -]     Feb 04, 2008

    Management professor: If you suspected someone was smoking marijuana on the job, what would you look for?



    Guy: Doritos?

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the first step is admitting you have a problem

99 [+ / -]     Jan 03, 2008

    Professor: Steroids have many side effects like a larger neck, larger forehead and small testicles.



    Meathead: Um, is that reversible?

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speaking from experience...

-16 [+ / -]     Dec 20, 2007

    Townie guy: Have you ever smoked a cigarette in the rain? It's like rubbing your dick on concrete.

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beats a career in plastics and an affair with anne bancroft

83 [+ / -]     Dec 18, 2007

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if your attention span is shorter than a shooter, please get yourself spayed or neutered

62 [+ / -]     Nov 30, 2007

    Sorostitute : (on cell) I think I'm going to take an Adderall tonight so I can concentrate on my drinking. Do you want one too?

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this just in, hippie cigarettes cause cancer AND stupidity

124 [+ / -]     Nov 19, 2007

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well, that saves him the work

79 [+ / -]     Nov 05, 2007

    Sorostitute 1: Can I have a sip of your drink?



    Sorostitute 2: Yeah.



    (Sorostitute 1 takes a sip)



    Sorostitute 2: Haha! I rufied it!



    Drunk fratty: You rufied your own drink?

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no wonder the freshman have to take that drug class

55 [+ / -]     Oct 31, 2007

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how else would you explain charleston?

58 [+ / -]     Oct 25, 2007

    Girl 1: Did you know that cocaine is legal in Colombia?



    Girl 2: How is coke legal in South Carolina?!

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if it weren't for the incest you probably wouldn't need the meds

51 [+ / -]     Oct 25, 2007

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we want snow on christmas, not on our birthdays

47 [+ / -]     Oct 18, 2007

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its because everyone talks slower when you're high

2 [+ / -]     Oct 18, 2007

    Sorostitute 1: Ohmigod Emily, when you go to class high do you pay attention better?



    Sorostitute 2: Ohmigod, yes



    Sorostitute 1: Me too.

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i doubt that's why she wants you to come see her

74 [+ / -]     Oct 11, 2007

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life, liberty, and the pursuit of... wait, what was i saying?

19 [+ / -]     Oct 09, 2007

    Professor: Back in colonial times, they would use hemp to make a lot of things, like paper. In fact, some copies of the Declaration and the Constitution were distributed on hemp.



    Fratty: So like, you could, like smoke the Constitution? Cooooooool.

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you're the barry bonds of academia

43 [+ / -]     Aug 03, 2007

    Student: (looks at Adderall) Each one of those little balls is like another percentage point on my grade.

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it's never a bad time to talk to your kids about drugs

46 [+ / -]     Jul 08, 2007

    Little boy: Mama! Do you have drugs?



    Mom (confused): No, no one has drugs, honey.



    Little Boy 2: My pop does drugs.



    Mom 2: But he's trying to quit.

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a source topped in reliability only by oprah

59 [+ / -]     Jun 18, 2007

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drug awareness day: marijuana causes paranoia

34 [+ / -]     May 17, 2007

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if only there was a stoner degree... oh wait it's called art

-18 [+ / -]     May 15, 2007

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she'd need adderall to pay attention for that long

94 [+ / -]     May 03, 2007

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this is why they switched from lead

-14 [+ / -]     Apr 30, 2007

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he certainly knows his rock and roll

113 [+ / -]     Apr 20, 2007

    History of Rock professor: My advice would be, If you're depressed, light up a bong and see what happens.

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if you can't trust him, who can you trust?

-8 [+ / -]     Apr 01, 2007

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and he was so close to a free pizza

55 [+ / -]     Mar 21, 2007

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more like radiation

-26 [+ / -]     Mar 16, 2007

    Stoned chick: I can take you in small doses.



    Drunk guy: Like heroin?

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think of the children

-61 [+ / -]     Mar 06, 2007

    Girl: So, the March of Dimes was asking how they should convince girls to get more niacin to prevent birth defects.



    Guy: Telling college girls to take something to prevent birth defects will make them not want to take it.



    Girl: Well, they were saying that about half of all pregnancies are unplanned.



    Guy: Yeah, they should put it in Rohypnol instead.

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you thought you were desperate for an A

160 [+ / -]     Dec 16, 2006

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friends like that are hard to come by

96 [+ / -]     Dec 08, 2006

    Sorostitute on cell: Thats ok... I don't even remember my semi-formal. I just remember waking up and being all sweaty, and my heart was beating real fast, and I couldn't breath too good... so I went and asked my sorority sister what happened, and she said, "Oh... you were passing out at dinner... so we gave a handful of Adderall."

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